The heaviness and vibrations of the energy of all living things overwhelm me, so sometimes I let myself become enveloped in nothingness.
Nothingness has allowed me to make it through these past twenty-six years shielded and protected.
It has allowed me to take short breaths to make it through day to day—but short breaths aren’t fulfilling.
I’m ready to breathe deeply and slowly, into the pit of my lungs.
I’ve had a love affair with the universe since I was a kid, always feeling drawn to the night sky, longing for what could be out there, overflowing with gratitude for what I do not know.
The night sky has always been comfort for me.
Staring into the darkness and the speckles of stars painting the blackness makes me feel so small, and I welcome that smallness—throughout the daylight hours, the heaviness I feel within is so consuming that those nighttime escapes into the abyss remind me that I am only a small bundle of energy packaged into flesh and tissue that sometimes doesn’t function properly.
This shell that my energy subsides in malfunctions most of the time with disease. The muscles and bones my energy occupies remind me daily that my physical self has limitations. It’s made me question my purpose, and because of that, my escape has been to wrap my vulnerabilities in bandages, only allowing them to breathe when I change the dressing.
Being vulnerable feels naked, and I’ve never been fully comfortable naked.
My body doesn’t fit the mold of what designers create clothes for. There are no lines or edges. It’s soft and fleshy, curvy but petite. It takes up space.
That’s kind of how my heart and mind feel most of the time too.
Ideas and concepts overflow into other things and connect in ways that I understand but sometimes cannot explain. There are no edges or straight lines in my soul.
Because of the jumble that I am, defining a purpose is looming but there is a longing that craves for me to define it.
There is a hunger that screams that I need to leave this dimension with something greater, not for the purpose of my individual self being remembered, but for all of humanity today and yet to be born to learn how to interact with love, intellect, and openness, to smile not because things are going the way that we want, but instead because a smile is the only physical expression of kindness.
There are so many things I want to be and say and affect that I don’t know where to begin—but this is a start.
I’m here to be publicly torn apart by love. I’m here to share the words of the great minds of history and give them context for humanity today. I’m here to remind you that you are the somebody you’ve been waiting for, and that everything you do and say affects someone’s existence.
I’m here to be naked with vulnerability and authenticity.
I’m going to pour words until basins overflow and hearts rupture with obligation to mend each other because in the need to mend another’s heart, we repair our own.
First published on “Some Talk of You & Me”
Editor: Brandie Smith
Photo: QThomas Bower/Flickr